Hi beauties! Hope you are having a fabulous week and are making it YOURS!
I have been thinking the past few days on what I wanted to talk to you about today. I had the perfect topic and had already jotted some things down to mention, then today happened... I was in a complete funk. I had to slap on a fake face and try to enjoy my day but boy, was it hard. I have a very stressful mental illness called bipolar disorder... I don't talk about it a lot because I don't want people thinking something is wrong or treating me different or thinking of me as something less, but, it's a part of who I am and it will always be there so I have to deal with it and learn to accept it. I told you I would be honest in this blog, so I am. It dictates a lot of my personal life, my family's life, my education/career and my social life especially. I can't even begin to tell you how many "friends" in my life that I have lost due to my disorder and how uncomfortable I get with the topic of relationships. But, I have to remind myself that it is okay... there will be people who will accept me one day, I just have to be patient. Being in college and having to deal with something this strong and it affecting every single part of your life sucks. BUT IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY! Even if you aren't dealing with a mental illness, if you're just in a funk or life just keeps knocking you down to where you don't think you'll find the light at the end of the tunnel, tell yourself it is okay to not be okay. I will say this several times in this post, so be prepared.
My sister is my best friend, always has been. She's taken on the role as an older sister, a mother figure and a best friend. Whenever I get in the low stage of life or my illness kicks in, she is the best person I have found to go to for help and comfort. She is a high school teacher and in training to be a yoga instructor. About a month ago, she had me stay at her house for the weekend when I was in darkness and took me to a private yoga session with her instructor. This wasn't a normal yoga session, it was more of a relaxation/get in touch with yourself lesson. The instructor had me sit down while she basically massaged my body while also describing how letting go of the tension in my body will make a crazy difference in how my life will feel. She mentioned how she gets in dark phases as well but sits back and talks to her body to reassure herself she is okay. As weird as this sounded, it works. When things are troubling you, sit back and realllllly focus on what is bothering you... remember that it will pass. For me, when I am just feeling lost and hurting from the inside out, I talk to my body starting with my feet until I get to my head apologizing to each bone and limb for the pain and reassuring myself that it will be okay. This definitely helps me as I am trying to go to sleep to remove all of the thoughts keeping myself from relaxing. I hate when people ask me what I do when I am feeling down to pick myself up.... because what do I do? I listen to music, but that doesn't really release any of the pain. Sometimes I read, but usually that makes my head feel worse. I watch movies, but does that really count as a therapeutic act? People who say "get out and do something", does not help me. Think about what helps you when you are feeling low. Do you have a safe haven? It's great if you do have certain things to run to for release, but if you haven't found that thing yet, that's fine too! You may never have something specific, don't worry about it! But you can't stay down forever. When you have something eating at you that you can't ignore... FACE IT. People will tell you to "not think about it" or "do something to get your mind off of it", great advice, I'm cured.... not. Sure things might ease the hurt but you ultimately need to just face your problems straight on. Get everything out of your system. Scream. Throw something. Sit in silence. Sleep it off. Cry. Do whatever you need to do to really understand your body and your mind, that way you can fully move on without it being just another thing building up inside you that will later explode into something worse than what it is right here in the moment. I will be honest and tell you that I have tried so many things to ease my pain and to, in some sense, punish myself for feeling bad. I have starved myself for the day, I have physically hurt myself, I have tried so many toxic things to try to numb the mental pain, but that only makes things worse in the long haul. I know it can be hard to talk to someone when you are feeling down and out, explaining yourself sometimes makes matters worse but sometimes it gets it out as well. I AM ALWAYS HERE TO LISTEN. If we don't know each other, if we do, if we do but aren't that close, who cares... I am a listening ear who has been through more than someone would assume. IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY! Take time to slump. Take time to really connect with yourself and understand why you are upset. Face it. Fix it. Take your time, then move forward... you have people out there to prove wrong. Stay tuned for my next topic (*supposed to be today's topic), that will be the "next step", I suppose, after you face those ugly monsters in your life and head. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND DESERVE THE WORLD! IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY!
Xoxo, MJ
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