It's been two months. Two months since I have sat down to write anything. That may not seem like a big deal to most people, it may not be a big deal at all, but to me... that feels like a lifetime. Writing is my go-to, my getaway, my way of expression, my way of relating, my way of being... me. Why did I stop and what prompted me to write today? Fear. I was told that my writings were holding me back from friendships, relationships, opportunities and more. I was fearful that that may be true. I was fearful that people have been judging me that I'm "trying to be a blogger" or I'm not making any sense in what I say. So, I listened. But in all reality, I write for me. I write to help myself and if someone needs to hear what I'm telling myself... incredible.
Today I need to tell myself, it's okay to be "realistic"... be prepared for a long post because it's well overdue............
.
.
2018 was supposed to be "the year", right? That's what we always say at the end of each year, isn't it? That the next year will be "it"; the year of so much change, the year that we do exactly what we want and need to do in life, the year we find ourselves and create the life we've always dreamed of. Let me just be upfront with you.... 2018, so far, can suck it.
As I sit here, on a manic day, watching an endless marathon of sappy sob movies and contemplating life, it hit me. Nothing will ever be like the movies. As much as we want it to be, or hope it will be, life isn't always a beautiful movie. I wish I could be the positive, upbeat blogger that tells you if you want something to go get it and if you think about it or dream about it hard enough, it'll come to you. But that is bs. And honestly, I used to be that person, go back a few posts and you'll probably see an exact post that encourages that. But is that really the case? Sure, some people might believe in it, but to me... I ain't buying it. I've learned that you don't have to be an uplifting person 24'7 because that can be exhausting, but you don't have to be a gloomy bag of turds either. It's called being "realistic" and that is what I am now.
15 days into 2018, as you know, I was in a very serious car wreck. A drunk and drugged driver rear ended me at a stop light coming at full speed... my car, thankfully, tipped into another car and bounced back into another... my seat came detached and I hit the side of the door and back on the seat. So many things could have gone differently and I am thankful that it happened the way it did, but that doesn't make up for the concussion that lasted three months or the disorder in my leg that may be permanent, at least semi-permanent with no cure or healing methods. Our small town has lost 5 people under the age of 25 in the last year due to car wrecks; one being one of my dearest friends, a few being young high school girls who didn't even have the chance to graduate or go to prom. That could have been me. That should have been me. But, for whatever reason, God wasn't ready for me to come home, and for that I will do whatever I can to find the reasoning and be that for Him and for those we have lost. I am injured, but I am alive.
From January to now, April; I have been in a wreck, gone to doctors appointments weekly, been in several mentally abusive situations, had my manic moments/days/weekends and have been lied to and cheated on. So, yeah, 2018 can kiss my big toe. Sure, plenty of great things have happened too; I've stepped out of my bubble and tried new things (that I may or may not post about later on, that I may or may not have drafts of already), made the best of friends I've ever had, I was able to celebrate a 23rd birthday and my relationship with God has grown more and more. But earlier this week I was told by one of my very best friends that I had a toxic mindset and was someone who created a negative life for themselves... that hit a little too deep. Like I said either, I understand that I've not been the super uplifting and upbeat person I was in 2017, but living in the body of a mentally ill mind, it's not so easy to lift yourself up after having one thing after another hit every week for four months straight. Yeah, I may not spend so much on my makeup, hair, body and clothes like I used to... I may have given up my "passions" and have gotten stuck in an "adulting" routine and yeah I may like to just be at home rather than force myself to be social but in my mind, I have come a lonnnng way. I hide so much and deal with things privately, I am trying to better my life's situations and some of it will take more time to achieve than others but for the most part, I feel as if I am doing so well compared to what could have been. That's the thing. I am being realistic, for me. I know what I am capable of and I know that it will take a little longer than I would want or expect, but I'm not going to sugarcoat anything and tell myself that if I want it to be a certain way, it will be. Life doesn't work that way for me. I'm sorry for ever pushing a mindset on my readers that they may not be able to comprehend, because I know now. When I read posts that reflect things I used to say, I basically laugh. That's heartless of me, I know, but I can't handle it anymore. I struggle with so much and instead of trying to relate to someone else and let you know that it is okay to not be okay and to be pissed at the world, to soak in your "negativity" and to do things in the way that works best for you, I always tried to make up for that and tell you that it's all up to you and that the "universe" will reward you for having a positive attitude... huh??? When you're in a realistic mindset, those Pinterest positivity quotes won't make a lick of a difference, in my case it makes things worse. Does that mean I'm an unpleasant person? No. Find what works for you, that's all that matters. If you have been knocked down so many times and can't get back up, like me so far in 2018, that... is... okay... don't try to rush and get yourself up, sometimes there will just be a chain reaction of ugly situations but God has a plan for you and it's okay to wait until He is ready to change that in your life. If you're not a religious person, know that things will get better, life just sucks sometimes. That's all there is to it. Maybe the change will be over time, maybe it will hit all at once, but in all reality... I call it being "realistic".