As you can tell from the title, I have been obsessing over the new Netflix original "To All The Boys I've Loved Before".
For those of you who have been living under a rock, this teen rom-com is about a shy teenage girl who has written letters to five boys that she has loved over the years, addressed them but never sent them out... until they mistakenly get sent out. I can't give you much detail on the movie but it has definitely become one of my favorite movies. After you finish reading this, I 11/10 recommend you watching it!
For those who know me, know I'm not one that is goo-goo-ga-ga over "love", never have been. Maybe it's from my selfish beliefs or maybe God is saving my heart for someone who will show me what love truly is but I will say I connected a lot to Lara Jean's theory on "love" in the movie. She agrees she likes reading about love stories, or watching love stories in movies but in real life: if you never love someone, they can never leave or hurt you.
After watching this movie, it got me thinking about the five guys I would write my love letters to. I have given pieces of my heart to four different people throughout my 23 years and I decided I would open up, be extremely vulnerable and write them a letter of my own, in my own way. I was going to write them their letters, address them and save them like the movie but the purpose of my blog as I have told you is to be 110% real and honest and share everything that I can because I know so many people can relate to a topic such as this. Since I am being real and honest, I am beyond scared to write these... let alone share them with the world. Maybe no one will read it. Maybe it will go viral. Either way, I'm just going to jump in and go for it. **The only part I will keep private are the names. Those who know me may know them and it may be obvious, but for their sake, I will create different names for their identity.** . . . Letter #1: Justin
You were the first person I gave a piece of my heart to. You said we were just young and didn't know any better, but that will never be the case for me. Maybe it was because we were so far away from each other and couldn't be by each others side like most couples, maybe if we were we wouldn't have been able to live without each other... but still it's hard for me to live without you. I see you from afar, seeing how happy you are and how much you have accomplished... I wish I could tell you how proud I am of you. Still in the back of my mind, I wonder how things would have played out if certain things went differently in our lives but as much as I want to be mad at God, He knew better for us. You didn't just lead yourself to God but you lead us, you knew exactly what to say and do at any moment in time. Even up until the last time we spoke, I knew I could tell you anything without judgement. We could go months and months without speaking but the second we spoke, things went back to the way they had always been. Just the sound of your voice brought a smile to my face. You are so driven and intelligent, have been since you were 12. I will always love you and you will always mean the world to me. I can't wait to see the life you will live from now on, with the type of amazing human that you are, I know you will not disappoint. Thank you for the years you gave me.
Letter #2: Hunter
You were the second person I gave a piece of my heart to. A big piece. You were my greatest joy. There is so much I could say about our relationship but I hate that we were so toxic for each other. Even so, I still wonder what things would be like today if things had worked, would we still be toxic? I am sorry for a lot of the things that I did and looking back, knowing what I do now, I should have explained things to you. We were young, we were learning. I wish I could be happy for you, seeing how happy you are now and knowing I would never have been able to be that for you. I can't be happy for you yet because it's still hard for me to accept that you're not mine anymore. You were the my other half, you were my rock... the one I truly didn't think I could live without. It was always us. No one could say my name without yours following, no one could say your name without mine following. We were the "go-to" love story in my mind. God knew I needed someone like you as my first true love, my first big girl relationship, my first everything and I will never disagree. I am thankful that it was you who got a bigger chunk of my heart, I hope you know/knew how much of my life you affected growing up. I now know that I can be happy that you have found the person you needed in your life.
Letter #3: Connor
You were the third person I gave a piece of my heart to. A sincere piece. Though we were only in each others lives for a short period of time, you made the biggest impact. I was selfish to push you away... you were definitely the one who "got away" but I know it was better for your life. You were the greatest love I've ever had. I don't think there will ever be a day when I will "get over" you, and I'm happy with that. I want to remember every little thing about you. You lit up my entire world and I have never been the light of someones world like I was yours, you made that so obvious. At the time, I thought I wasn't ready for that, I knew you were too good for me and who I was... I'm sorry for hurting you if that is what I did. I miss your laugh, how secure it felt with you, how a simple conversation with you in the car could make such a difference in my day, I just miss you being my best friend if anything at all. I know you are happy now and I hope that happiness never goes away for you because you deserve every bit of it. I'm glad it was you.
Letter #4: Dylan
You were the fourth person I gave a piece of my heart to. This will be a hard "letter" to write because you didn't know I gave a piece of my heart to you, you left before I truly could. God needed you more than we did and that's all that matters but it's hard to know that you're not here. Growing up you were one of the greatest friends I could have asked for, you never left my side when I needed you, you knew exactly what to say to me even if I didn't want to hear it, you were always just... you. Falling for you was easier than I wanted and you leaving was quicker than I needed. I gave you a piece of my heart because even though I don't know if things would have continued or how you felt while you were here, I knew you were who I needed to give me hope. Every one loved and still loves you and I would have been lucky to have had a piece of your heart but I'm thankful that the memories I have of you are the exact ones I get to keep. God is lucky to have you.
Letter #5: Him
I hope you are the last person I give a piece of my heart to. Though you are not present in my life... maybe you will be, maybe you already are and I don't know it yet, maybe you are one of the three listed above but all I know is that you are "him". If I let my guard down when you come into my life, know it wasn't easy for me... I have a check-list that you must have marked off. I would say you have pretty big shoes to fill, but I know you won't compare... you shouldn't have to. I want to go ahead and give you a round of applause for putting up with me because I know I am not easy but I will try my best. You may not be out there, but if you are, know that I can't wait to hear your voice and look into your eyes. You may not be out there, but if you are, know that I can't wait to believe in love because of you. You may not be out there, but if you are, know that I can't wait to see how you affect me and my life. You may not be out there, but if you are, know that I can't wait to meet you. God knows me and if He needs someone like you in my life, I cannot be more grateful for you.