Do you recall the time you truly found yourself? Think about it. When was the moment you finally understood who you were, what you wanted to be and were 110% happy with that person?
Did a time come to mind? Are you still thinking?
This is a difficult topic for me considering I remember only ONE short period of time in my almost 23 years of life where I loved who I was, was unapologetic for that person and was completely content with everything in my path... come to find out that moment in time wasn't even real. Maybe that is why I am so absent on my blog, sure I still love it but how can I write and express myself to others when I have no clue who I even am?
I have mentioned before a mental illness that controls my life, though a lot of the time I don't like to talk about it solely for the fact that society has ruined the conversation about mental illness to where the terms associated are just thrown around and pushed to the side or judgments become way too heavy to carry on top of being sick. Everyone thinks they have a mental illness of some sort, and maybe they do considering the ill continue to have an abundance of children, yes it is becoming way too common... yet it is still a touchy subject. But unfortunately the doctors and therapists have pin-pointed mine.
The short period of time that I found myself? My junior year of college. I was finally settled into my new home in a different town, my roommate was my best friend (which for those college kids from 2013-2015, remember YikYak? Yeah... that's how we met... a story for a different time) I was one of the top in my class and all things were going right in my life. I was on top of the world with confidence, I came completely out of my shell and tried things I never thought I would, I was more motivated than ever with my schooling and starting my first blog (More Issues Than Vogue), I even had a relationship that was one of a kind and I did not care what anyone thought of me in the slightest. I was blunt. I was happy. So happy. I was, who I wanted to be, ME.
But that didn't last but a year. If that. Not even slowly but surely, quickly and painfully that "high" that I was riding, was just mania in disguise. My exciting life came crashing down, hard. I lost every inch of confidence, I lost the boy, I almost lost the best friend, my blog was becoming too dark and forced and school wasn't what it used to be. I began to get violent with myself. I wasn't sure how long I would last. I decided to get help but nothing was helpful... then came senior year.
Though I was pretty close to riding the same train, it was definitely not the same and I was still definitely not myself. Again, I was living with another one of my best friends, I was one of the top in my class, I was always on the go, I was trying new things... but it never lasted. I was trying to "create" myself yet it wasn't working. I started to fail a few classes, lost a few friends, became violent again and was just ready for all of it to be over. Why did I have to go through this again? Why couldn't I just be the person I was my junior year and stay that way?... Because I finally understood it wasn't really "me".
Now, over two years later, I am still trying to find the person I am. That I want to be. That I need to be. But how do you do that when you feel you have to start from scratch? When you are far from content with the person you are currently?
A part of me says, "Macy Jo, you need to be more like ____. Or you should be the complete opposite and be more like _____. Or maybe you can combine their traits and make it your own?" But that's probably just the illness talking.
Another part of me says, "Macy Jo, you're idiotic... stop trying, nothing will change, just go on living... life is just a routine." But that's definitely the illness talking.
So, again, how do you find yourself when you don't know where to start? When you have to start from scratch? When you are far from content with the person you are currently?
I know I am not the only person who struggles with this topic and I am the perfect example of someone who can give advice and but can't take it, so, here is some of my advice for those who are searching for the person they are...
1. TAKE YOUR TIME. It is not a race, you have the rest of your life to understand who you are and who you are meant to be.
2. YOUR LIFE DOESN'T DEPEND ON IT. Yes, it is YOUR life and you want to be YOU in it, but you don't have to know exactly who you are for the rest of your life to follow behind. Things will happen, and change a million and one times in a short amount of time, that will constantly affect who you are. Don't force yourself to be one way when your path will alter it.
3. FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU STAND FOR. When understanding who you are, first understand what you stand for. What describes you and what will you want to reflect off of you? Which connects to........
3.5. BE YOUR PERSONAL BRAND. When you understand what you stand for, figure out how you want others to recognize that in you. How will that show without words?
4. INSPIRE YOURSELF. Who inspires you? Why do they inspire you? What can you create in your life that will not only inspire others the way someone else inspires you, but how will you continue to inspire yourself through it?
5. TRY NEW THINGS AND ACT NEW WAYS. You can't find yourself if you are stuck in your current ways... try new things, wear new things, explore new options and act new ways.
**This is one that will not connect with me, just yet. Maybe that's what prompted my boost of energy in college, trying new things and acting the way I wanted to without a care in the world, maybe because everyone had this opportunity at the same time... now I live with my parents in my hometown with no friends (literally, zero friends here since junior year of high school), I go to work 9am-6pm then come home and go to sleep at 9:30pm. How can I try new things when this is my daily routine? How can I meet new people? How can I explore my options? What options are there? And do this all by myself? Can I even do that? I'm almost 23 years old, I cannot be a boring stick in the mud with nothing to be excited for this early in life!!
As 2017 ends (thank God) and 2018 approaches, what are some ways you are going to try in order to find yourself? And if you have found yourself and are 110% happy with that person, how will you reflect it to encourage and inspire others? What are some of your 2018 New Years Resolutions that will take place? What are some of your 2017 New Years Resolutions that you accomplished?
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Very best,
Xoxo, MJ
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